Thursday, December 22, 2005

Wandering Souls..Fleeting Thoughts: Lost In Yonkers..

LOST IN YONKERS

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Lost In Yonkers..

It's been eight months since Dad passed away. It seems that to most people, getting over a loss has never been "that" easy, regardless whether they assuage you with thoughts that the dearly departed is in a "better place", with his God, is walking in Paradise, is happily rested wherever he/she is, and even reincarnated already and beginning a new life now.

I don't think it's going to be easy for me to get over this. Unlike some people I know, they have emotional and psychological cudgels when it comes to helping them cope with certain distressing events in their lives. I don't have any. I won't consider my Mom as an emotional cudgel--weird as it sounds, I think she was never really "that" affected when Dad passed away. Why would she? They hardly talked for a decade or so even when they were together. It was a simple domicile arrangement, separated yet living under one roof. One simply ignores the other.

It's hard for me to fill up my Dad's shoes. They were big shoes he left, too big that I don't think I can muster enough willpower and stamina to sustain the efforts in even beginning to put my feet inside those shoes. He didn't leave me with any substantial material inheritance, actually I didn't expect anything for as long as I can remember. We used to talk about this during our "buddy" times wherein we'd eat together at Robinson's Place. I'd say it's okay that he should not worry 'bout leaving me anything when he goes to repose in a distant future. He'd always say the only reason he's alive and still working was because he doesn't want to leave me with nothing or facing hardships that he went through. He goes on to lament that my Mom is hopeless and would never amount to anything good. I placate him, telling him even if he leaves me with zero, I will survive because I have innate talents that he honed inside me all these years. I kid him, telling him that since he taught me photography, I can do snapshots of people strolling in Luneta. In lieu of that, I can also work at a dirty kitchen as a cook or chef since he inspired me to cook. I can do graphic designs, work at a local paper or magazine, work as a staff to some executive--all because my foundation has been laid out concretely and solidly by none other than him, my Dad.

Looking back, it makes me sad that everytime he tells me stories 'bout his childhood and how he doesn't want me to suffer when it's my time to take my stead in life. It was during these moments when he would usually can't help but get moist around the eyes, he gets teary-eyed each time we talk about this. Every word, every facial expression he rears, points directly at how much my Dad loved me more than anything else in his lifetime. At that point, I also get misty-eyed, because I love him more than anything in my lifetime too. We always watch movies together and when there's a particularly touching scene, we laugh sheepishly at one another, because we'll be catching one another trying to quickly rub our eyes to hide that we were "affected" by the scene and that we were holding back tears.

We both love horror movies. My first horror movie was when i was 5 years old. We watched it together on TV. After the movie, I found myself knocking on their bedroom door at around 3am because i was having nightmares. He laughed and couldn't forget that for many years. I didn't get traumatised from that, it only made me appreciate horror all the more and we enjoyed countless horror movies together, from beta tapes, to vhs to laser, to vcd's and to dvd's.

I'm dedicating this blog to my memory of my Dad, Domingo T. Uy--I want to preserve his memory even when I know there'll come a time when my own memory might fleet and I want to as much as possible, preserve every iota of thought I have and can recall about this great man--my mentor, my dad, my friend, my brother, my life.

posted by LostWanSoul at 4:22 AM

Posted by Lost Wandering Soul :: 8:22 PM :: 0 Comments:

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